Project 364 - Psilocybin Opens New Worlds

Back in Q1 2025, my wife Jenny told me something along the lines of: "I follow this life coach Mike Baum on Instagram. He recently said, 'If magic mushrooms were legal, we wouldn't need antidepressants anymore.'" I didn't know Mike Baum (and I only know him peripherally today, but that's a different story), but my first reaction was "people on the internet say things" and I brushed it off.

On top of my healthy baseline skepticism toward social media claims, I had been taking 20mg of Fluoxetine daily for about 10 years. It hadn't cured me, but it had softened my symptoms compared to before. Plus, I had never heard of magic mushrooms (or any other "drugs" in the German sense of the word) actually helping anyone. "Taking shrooms" fell into the same category as "smoking weed" - things you do for fun on a trip to Amsterdam.

When one of my favorite podcasts shortly after released the episode Heilende Drogentrips? Die Akte psychedelische Medizin (Healing Drug Trips? The Psychedelic Medicine Files), I was certain: total hogwash! (Told you so!) Because: the Science Cops debunk (un)scientific nonsense and until then virtually every episode had ended with "... it's all rubbish, off to Science Cop jail go ..." So I went into this episode quite amused - and was all the more surprised when the verdict turned out to be: there's actually something to it.

Sure, Mr. Vest and Mr. Suspenders (greetings from a day-one fan) mostly focused on the extensive meta-studies and found varying evidence and effect sizes - but at least it wasn't a complete disaster. Apparently, there had been studies showing effects on mental disorders as far back as the 70s, and evidently these studies had been resumed in recent years.

Yes, you read that right. The guy who's been dutifully taking fluoxetine for 10 years and filed "taking shrooms" under "fun trip to Amsterdam" is now reading meta-studies on psilocybin. In the Project 364 travelogue, things are getting - shall we say - interesting from here.

My interest was piqued. Could psilocybin maybe support me with my mental health challenges - anxiety, OCD, and depression? Even though I was already doing significantly better by then, getting off the psychopharmaceuticals was a highly desirable outcome. So I started researching.

WTF? ¶

And so I went down the rabbit hole and stumbled upon what was practically unbelievable. Please do take the disclaimer above seriously, but as far as I've gathered from studies, the danger potential of psilocybin is extremely low. Psilocybin lands in last place on this scale rating harm to self and others. On top of that, the addiction potential is also virtually nonexistent: the substance doesn't necessarily (and in my experience, rarely) produce a pleasant high, and after several doses in a short period, the effect automatically diminishes drastically - meaning additional intake leads to no further (positive) effect.

So why is this substance illegal in Germany while far more dangerous and addictive substances (like alcohol, nicotine, and caffeine) are legal, you ask? Yeah, I wonder that too. But fortunately, I found a way out. I find it quite sad that this way out is, once again, only accessible to people who can afford it - but at least it helped me, and so I can report on it here and maybe help others too.

Let me say this once more: it is by no means proven that psychedelics help with mental illness. There are experience reports and some studies suggesting an effect, but the body of research is still thin. In very rare cases, psychosis can occur as a side effect. Anyone who dares this experiment does so either at their own risk or as part of a controlled study. Do yourself a favor: don't do it on your own! At least have an experienced trip sitter with you or (even better) a team of experienced people who take care of set & setting and proper integration.

To Trip or Not to Trip? That Is the Question! ¶

After about 3 months of intensive research, one thing was clear to me: I want to try this! Beyond the potentially positive effects on my mental health struggles (mind the disclaimer!) lay an escape from antidepressants (mind the disclaimer!) and exciting experiences (no disclaimer needed, I've always found this stuff fascinating).

Since psilocybin is illegal in Germany and at the time couldn't yet be administered as a pharmaceutical (that's changed now - in cases of treatment-resistant depression, psilocybin can now be used in some clinics), the aforementioned other path had to do. There are indeed people and companies that provide you with as safe a psilocybin experience as possible.

Many of these retreats go to the Netherlands, which is conveniently close to where I live. After lots of comparing online, I personally ended up with New Eleusis: Philemon and his team offer psychological screening upfront, integration sessions (initially on-site, later also remote), and a doctor on-site. Add to that a great trip-sitter-to- participant ratio, delicious vegan catering, and a stunningly beautiful location.

So I got in touch with New Eleusis and did the initial sales call. Everything great, just one thing left to sort out: to participate in the New Eleusis retreat, I had to stop my medication. Since I had discussed the idea with my therapist repeatedly that same morning, I called her - just before our vacation - and asked for permission to taper off fluoxetine 20mg. Which she declined. 😞

Discouraged and annoyed, I went on vacation. During those 10 days, not only did my frustration about the refusal ripen, but so did a plan: "So many people with far wilder mental health conditions stop their medication on their own initiative, repeatedly. Why shouldn't I be able to do the same if push comes to shove?" So I looked up suitable studies again, printed them out, and put together a tapering plan. After the vacation, I had my regular appointment with my therapist anyway, and I went into it with the attitude: if not with her blessing, then without. And my therapist said with a smile that I should taper off the medication and go on my trip. I'm sure it was because of how I showed up this time. The Toby who "asks for permission" isn't stable enough to stop his medication. The Toby who "insists" is.

That was the end of April 2025, and within 6 weeks I was "clean". And still am today. After 10 years of fluoxetine, I now manage without it. Even at the end of 2025, during the dark season, when one of the hardest blows of fate since my mother's death hit me. I'm doing better than I have in a long time. The reasons are manifold - you'll have noticed that as a reader of the whole series. But stopping the medication was an absolute milestone.

And not much stood in the way of the retreat anymore. The psychological screening was unremarkable: stable family situation, psychological support in place, no medication - good to go...

Eleusis ¶

"New Eleusis" is not without reason the name of the provider that supported me through my first psychedelic experience. The Eleusinian mysteries are about initiation, rebirth, transformation of consciousness, and the attainment of knowledge. And so, one beautiful summer day, I drove toward Castricum near Amsterdam, to a meditative retreat nestled in the picturesque dune landscape.

I can't even imagine anymore how nervous I was. For private reasons, I was already baseline-nervous anyway. I was driving into the complete unknown: strangers who, together with me, would have unknown substances administered by unknown people. Every source told me "go in without expectations," but I couldn't stop myself from hoping to find my self-love. But the New Eleusis team caught much of that nervousness, and at some point I found myself in a ritual room on a mattress, my pillow and my blanket at the ready, and took a "heroic dose" of psilocybin. And awaited what was to come...

I don't want to elaborate too much on my experience here. But I should report at least a little: I saw and experienced fancy things. The roof beams of the room shifted together in waves. I played a role-playing game in my mind, at the end of which my family was waiting for me and urging me to hurry. A fellow participant's hand stretched out in slow motion like in a comic. During one phase, I missed my family and had incredible homesickness. And again and again I had the feeling that "the big aha moment should finally come now." There was much more on top of that, but those are topics for a private conversation over a good drink. If you run into me and are interested, feel free to ask. But my self-love - I didn't find it on this trip.

Was the whole thing a bust? Not at all! Because even though I was initially disillusioned right after the trip, the effects showed themselves in the days, weeks, and months that followed. And one thing I knew within the first hour after the trip, as if by instinct: "There's more in this for me."

(After-)Effects ¶

After the retreat, I had one more day in Castricum and used it, despite the persistent heat, for a hike in the dune forest. And suddenly, something remarkable happened: I was far more sensitive and mindful of physical sensations. The call of a bird, the patterns on a leaf, the caress of a breeze on my skin. I hadn't perceived any of this before, but suddenly it was there. It went so far that I felt the urge to touch the bark of a tree. Where I previously thought "mindfulness is not your thing," my brain was now apparently able to reveal these stimuli to me. And this effect wasn't just a "flashback from the trip 2 days before." No, it lasted! Weeks, months, probably even until today - but by now I've gotten used to it and it's no longer new and astonishing.

2 weeks later, I had planned another time-out, this time at the Baltic Sea, to push my self-reflection further. With lots of exercise in fresh air and some alone time, I wanted to build on the foundation laid during the :oddyssey. Unfortunately, for various reasons, I didn't get to do many reflection exercises. But already on the first day there, while hiking, I suddenly noticed: I'm furious. "So what, big deal?" you might think. But for me, this was an absolute first: being able to consciously feel and name emotions. Until then, there had really only been "pretty good" or "stressed" for me (I had mentioned this before). Emotions like anger, sadness, happiness... I had - as far as I can remember - never felt them in this way. It was terrible - because I was absolutely livid - and wonderful at the same time. This effect faded somewhat over time, but even today I'm still able to feel far more emotions than I could have ever imagined.

Beyond these "direct" effects, my brain kept processing the psilocybin retreat experiences, working through the role-playing game and many other experiences. And through that, more clarity came and things improved. I started perceiving my role as a father quite differently over time; allowed myself to be more who I actually was, instead of trying to emulate my wife and perceiving every failure at that as personal defeat.

In short: the initial disillusionment after the trip had completely turned positive. I hadn't gotten what I had hoped for, but the effects were consistently positive, astonishing, great! And they were lasting. Not all of them, of course. But many of the changes in my feelings, my behavior, and my thoughts that were sparked back then, I can trace until today. The psilocybin acted like a catalyst for issues that apparently slumbered deep inside me and finally wanted and needed to be processed. The substance seemed to have freed me from a thick "crust on my brain folds."

The Second Season ¶

And after the positive effects that had emerged from the first session in the medium term, it was clear to me: you're doing this again. And fitting this decision, New Eleusis offered a new format: the "Practitioner Retreat," for people who had already had at least one psilocybin experience. In a somewhat larger group, with a lower staff-to-participant ratio but equally good vegan catering, I went on another retreat about 3 months after my first experience. This time truly without expectations. And I found... 🥁

My self-love! 🥰 Like a pro, I sat down on my meditation cushion at the beginning of the session this time, closed my eyes, and awaited the mushroom's effects - and after a while, saw fantastic patterns swirling before my eyes. And only a single thought accompanied them: "All this beauty is inside you!" Because, so my reasoning went, nobody from the outside had planted these patterns in me. My own brain was producing them. And thus, this wonderful beauty came from within me.

This trip also had all sorts of facets and phases that I don't want to elaborate on in detail here. But here too there was a phase where I was homesick and missed my family. And toward the end of the trip, I missed someone else: my mother. Her death was, admittedly, a major factor in my anxiety, OCD, and depression. Truly grieving her death was something my mind had completely denied me until then. Only a few tears, right after her passing, had come - after that it was all about "just functioning." But during this trip, I could. I've rarely cried that much, especially not in such a short time. I cried, I missed her, I cursed... for a solid hour. It was awful, but it also felt incredibly good. Finally feeling the emotions that had apparently been slumbering inside me for 15 years.

After this second trip, I was incredibly exhausted. Simon, a fellow participant who has since become a friend, simply said: "No wonder, you just did 3 months' worth of psychotherapy in 5 hours" - and that's exactly what it felt like. And after this retreat too, the long-term effects were enormous.

What's in it for me? ¶

I don't want to encourage anyone to attend a psilocybin retreat at this point (see disclaimer), but for me it's clear: "the mushroom" (as experienced psychonauts say) was an important building block in my healing process, and I will attend further retreats because I'm sure there's still a lot waiting to be processed. I'll continue booking these with New Eleusis, because the team is simply fantastic.

But what will and should happen on those trips - that I'll simply let go...